Kink Etiquette

Consent

Consent is the foundation for the adult kinky activities community. Consent must be informed consent, based on an appreciation and understanding of the facts and implications of the activity at hand.

Informed consent is a legal condition whereby a person can be said to have given consent based upon a full appreciation and understanding of the facts and implications of any actions, with the individual being in possession of all of his/her faculties (they are not mentally retarded or mentally ill), and his/her judgment not being impaired at the time of consenting (by sleepiness, intoxication by alcohol or drugs, other health problems, etc.).

For the kink community, consent is the informed and voluntary (ongoing) agreement of a competent person who approves of the activity at hand, the time and place where the activity is occurring and who approves of the other people who are also involved. Consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason.

In certain circumstances, consent can be non verbal and spontaneous. However the risk of nonconsensual behavior can increase dramatically without specific prior verbal negotiation. Even people who are familiar play partners can accidentally do something that the other person doesn’t want, and hence be guilty of non-consensual or non-con behavior. Strangers or casual friends should never attempt to assume consent without specific prior verbal negotiation.

The general public cannot be assumed to be consenting. Anyone seriously intoxicated or otherwise significantly emotionally/mentally impaired cannot give consent. Other forms of impairment are illness, insufficient sleep and other health issues. A person who is in a seriously altered state, such as deep into a scene should be assumed to be unable to give consent. Consent is the basis for the negotiation that occurs regarding scenes that play partners wish to engage in with each other.

[Note: It shouldn’t have to be said, but anyone under the age of 18 cannot give consent to participate or even observe adult kinky activities under any circumstances. Such activity is automatically illegal and completely unethical. Underage children are never welcome at an adult kinky event and anyone who even appears possibly underage can expect to have their ID checked at the door despite anonymity protocols.

I should also note that it is rare that alcohol is allowed at kink events, much less served. There is more than enough excitement to go around at a kink event without booze being poured into the mix affecting judgment, perception and ability. In the rare cases where booze is allowed, the minimum age to attend the event is 21 and ID’s will always be requested from everyone attending, no matter how old they look.]

Diversity & Mutual Respect

Be considerate & sensitive to those around you. The twin cities kink community is very diverse racially, culturally, socio-economically, gender identity-wise, sexual orientation-wise, and in many other ways as well. Their ages span from 18 to 70+, and nearly everyone has different alternative erotic interests. If you do feel a need to share a difference of opinion, do so civilly, respectfully and appropriately.
If you don’t like what is going on at a party, workshop or event, you don’t have to participate. If you don’t like seeing what is going on, you don’t have to watch. If you want to criticize people’s appearance or kind of play, keep it to yourself. If you are genuinely concerned about the safety of an activity, alert a DM (dungeon monitor) or the host. It is public play, so obviously observing is ok, if not encouraged, however there is a difference between looking with respect, interest and emotion and disrespectful offensive gawking.

We must be Responsible & Respectful

Practice respect, responsibility and discretion - Street dress to and from the event, no matter what it is. Be considerate of the neighborhood and the venue, no matter if the venue is a public place or someone’s house.

YKIOK, MKIOK

Your kink is ok, my kink is ok. The term kink is very inclusive and represents all manner of healthy and enjoyable erotic diversions. Just because something isn’t your idea of a good time or turns you off, doesn’t give you the right to marginalize or bash the activity, nor the people who enjoy it. In fact, it is very inappropriate to do so. Nearly all kinky activities can be done safely and responsibly provided you have the appropriate skill, knowledge and equipment.

Negotiation & Limits

Before engaging in kinky activities with others, it is critical that you negotiate and talk about the scene you want to have, to outline what will and will not happen during the play session. Limits refer to activities that a partner feels strongly about, and to which special attention must be paid. During the negotiation, all participants outline what they desire and what they will not tolerate. These are called limits.  All participants in the scene should express their limits and discussing them fully usually results in an improved experience for all involved.

Safe Words

Because we sometimes do scenes where a bottom might say, no or stop but not mean it, a method needed to be developed to indicate that there really was an issue with the scene. Safewords are simple, normally green light, yellow light, red light and safeword. However there can be many reasons for using them. It could mean that the bottom is reaching a limit or is having an issue such as they have to stop the scene to go to the bathroom. Safewords are agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants. Tops as well as Bottoms can Safe Word within a scene.

Many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.
Anonymity & Confidentiality

The kink community has a long, strict tradition of anonymity and confidentiality. Each person differs in how out they are to their friends, family, coworkers and neighbors. Each person also differs in how comfortable they are with being out. In addition, because kink enthusiasts are not a protected class of people, people can and have been dismissed from jobs, lost their children in custody battles and so on due to ignorance and prejudice as a result of being out-ed (publicizing the otherwise private information that someone participated in kinky activities.)

So never reveal the real names of community members without their permission, never disclose or discuss who was at an event to those who weren’t at that event without the permission of those you are referring to. Use Scene names whenever possible. Never reveal the location of an event, workshop or party to anyone who is not invited. Be discrete, fly under the radar and help others do so as well.
Locations of local kink events, workshops and parties are nearly always confidential to community members, ticket holders or participants, keep it that way before and after the event. Be discrete, fly under the radar and help others do so as well.

Sexual & Sensual Touching (Non - Consensual)

Do not touch anyone in a sexual or sensual way non-consensually. Just because someone is a bottom and/or people and they are at a kinky event, doesn’t give you consent to do anything to them without their express permission. Obviously this also applies to any other gender identity as well as to top’s or switch’s.

Sexual & sensual touching includes rubbing someone’s neck, grabbing them around the waist, hugging them, tickling their side, touching their jewelry, collar or hair, patting them on the ass, etc. Respect people’s personal space and possessions, always ask before touching anyone sensually or sexually.

When someone is dancing, don’t assume she wants to dance with you, ask. If she is grinding and dirty dancing with someone else, don’t assume he wants to do that with you, ask. If someone moves away, assume they would rather not dance with you. If unsure, ask. Be polite when asking, gracious if turned away.

If someone is naked or partially naked, even traditionally non-sexual/non-sensual touching is likely to be inappropriate. Ask before touching *in any way* a naked or partially naked person. For example, ask if they would mind a hug, don’t walk up and tickle them, etc.
Never touch someone’s collar, piercing or tattoo without permission. Just because someone is naked, doesn’t mean they want to play. Just because someone is playing with others, doesn’t mean they want to play with you.

Be polite when asking, gracious if turned away. (Be polite when turning someone down, it isn’t easy to ask.) Assertive communication is kind communication. You don’t do anyone any favors by trying to get someone to get the hint.

If someone attempts to engage you non-consensually, ask them to stop and inform them you are not interested. If they continue to attempt to engage you, inform a workshop host. Harassment will not be tolerated. No means no.

Do not assume that because one is top/dominant that they require or want your service, nor that because one is bottom/submissive that they will provide or want to provide you with service if you are a top/dominant.

No one has to do anything they don’t want to do at any kink event in the Twin Cities.

Toys & Equipment

For many of us, the items we use for kinky activities can become quite personal if not sacred. Never touch someone else’s toys, equipment or possessions without permission.
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Kinky Activities
verses Abuse

Kinky Activities:

Nearly all people who engage in Safe, Sane and Consensual kinky activities do so as a pleasurable, healthy, recreational activity. They don’t try and hide evidence of their play from other kink enthusiasts and will often take pride and enjoyment in sharing their lifestyle activities with others with similar interests. Their mindset during kinky activities is positive and erotic, they feel good before, during and afterwards. They confidently make healthy choices about their play based on a variety of circumstances, including when to play, where to play, to what extent, and with whom. As a rule, they can immediately stop if circumstances change. Their kinky activities add a positive dimension to their lives and may even help them heal long-term personal issues, and grow as people.

Consensual - the presence of on-going mutual informed consent is the basis for all kinky activities

Pleasurable, positive & enjoyable for everyone involved, physically & mentally healthy

Mindset for everyone during the activities is positive and erotic

Add a positive dimension to people’s lives and may even help them heal and grow

Abuse:

Abuse is marked by compulsivity, a lack of control, shame, lies, anger and most important of all, a lack of mutual informed consent. Abuse and the evidence of it is nearly always hidden from as many people as possible, denial and defensiveness often accompany discussions of the abusive activities. Abuse frequently happens when things are bad and people’s mindset during the abuse is negative. The abusers normally exhibit poor control over when, where, and to what extent they will abuse someone. Abuse is limiting and destructive to the lives of everyone involved. Abusers will frequently feel guilty after abusing someone, though not always. Abuse is frequently accompanied by drug and alcohol use.
Lack of consent

Unenjoyable, unpleasant (if not horrific) for at least some of the people involved, frequently for all of the people involved

Limiting and destructive for everyone involved, physically and mentally

Mindset for everyone involved is negative and oppressive

Often leads to long term mental health and physical health issues for everyone involved

Abusers are criminals, whether spouse batterers, child molesters, rapists

Is often accompanied by drug and alcohol use, abuse and addiction

Is often cyclical and compulsive in nature

The Kink Community

Ultimately, the Kink community is similar to other types of communities where adults engage in recreational pursuits. From scuba diving to hang gliding to martial arts, many of these activities have elements that can be described as violent and/or dangerous and regularly result in injuries to the participants yet are very popular across the entire world. Injuries are actually rare in Kink and most of the activities are not dangerous. A few of the activities might purposefully involve striking or hurting another person, like the sports of football, wrestling or boxing. However unlike those sports, Kink participants are rarely if ever, combative, adversarial or hostile towards one another. Participation in Kink recreational diversions often requires skill and knowledge to do safely, just like scuba diving, ball room dance or mowing the lawn.

Kink Activities are physically, mentally and spiritually healthy recreational pursuits engaged in by consenting adults with other consenting adults. They are popular, done all over the world, and nearly always contribute to the positive growth of the people involved.

Thank you to Shannon with http://www.eroticdeviance.org for this write up on Kink Etiquette. If you are in the Twin Cities, visit her site and drop her an email!